Where to start? A friend of mine said that writing about the birth helped her to deal with the experience and the mixed feelings that arose from it so I thought that sounded like a good idea so here it is.

Before it all started I had visions of what I wanted the birth to be like, people always give advice and want to share their experiences with you… good and bad but I tended to only listen to positive experience, you know what I mean, the people who say “I just coughed and there was my baby and I was back in my size 8 jeans leaving the hospital” yes those people whom you just feel like hitting!! Ok so maybe I exaggerated but you know the type.. one woman even said that it’s as painful as you make it, you know. There still seems to be a stigma attached to people who have pain relief, at the antenatal class (we only had one) the woman was so anti pain relief and kept trying to promote ‘natural labor’ and was very derogative for those people who “can’t cope” – why as woman do we believe that putting ourselves though immense, unimaginable pain si a good thing?

Anyway, so I had all these ideas about a water birth, relaxing music, gas and air and I had visions of my baby coming gently into the world and everything being ok. I even sneered at the other women asking for pain relief thinking that, I won’t do that, I’m going natural….

Well, yep you’ve guessed it, it all went wrong and I ended up having an emergency cesarean.

The labor started on the Thursday, my sister was staying with me as I wanted her to be there for the birth because, to be honest I just could not imagine my partner being that clam or supportive, in fact we had had an argument because he said I would not be allowed to squeeze his hand too hard!! So I wanted my sister there because I knew she would not stress me and would listen to my wishes (and she was great!). We had argued (me and my OH) in the days leading up to the labor because I went overdue and the midwife suggested that I have sex because the sperm is meant to being on the labor, well my husband made very excuse imaginable not to have sex with me – I think he found the idea of me being pregnant really off putting and was not able to just tell the truth and admit it. Well he finally begrudgingly allowed me some of his sperm and it did work and I started contractions the next day.

Oh by the way, why do they not tell you about the pre-labor pains! Apparently official labor does not started until you are 5cm dilated so all that paint you suffer getting to that point does not count!!

Sorry, I digress, so… my sister was down and my other sister happened to be visiting that day as well and we had gone for lunch (I was overdue at this point) and I got a bad pain – not a contraction pain but a bad pain and it didn’t go away (this was my cervix softening apparently, again something that they do not tell you at antenatal class) so I range the labor ward and they asked me to call in and get checked over. The nurses were so condescending and even laughed when it was suggested that I might be in labor, I was quite hurt by this but understand now why they found it funny that I thought that the slight pain was labor contractions. So I was sent home but later that night the pains became more regular so I was on the phone to the labor through Thursday night and obviously didn’t sleep (all this was cervix softening). Well this carried on all of Friday as well, the pains getting a little worse but still coming and going with no real pattern in between and I felt well enough to watch videos and walk about etc. Well it got worse and worse and I got so tired as I still had not slept from the Thursday night I kept on the phone to the labor ward and I finally convinced my OH to take me to the hospital, they examined me and said I was dilating but not enough to keep me in as it could take days so to go home and rest. Well I did not realise that the nurse had given me a “clean and sweep” and as I set off for home the contractions got worse and worse and worse. My OH of course went to bed and my sis kept my company but the pain was really bad – yep, the true contractions had started. We went back to the hospital at 1am Saturday morning and they admitted me, (by the way the room was fab, it has a bath and sofa and area to walk about)

The pain was so bad, I tried the tens machine but they would not give me anything because I was not in true labor because I had not reached the magical 5cm, pain that only people who have been there can describe. I remember being laid out on the floor, trying to lean on my birth ball and just being unable to stand because of the pain, just flaked out. My sis was fantastic, she could not have better, so supportive and I was so thankful for her being there, my OH said he was tired and was trying to sleep on the sofa, not quite as supportive, I don’t think that he knew what to do and I’m sorry for saying it but I think labor maybe should just be for woman as they are naturally more supportive than men! (or id that just my OH)….

I begged for drugs and they gave my pethadin, how much do I love pethadin!!! I was so ante having it but at 3am after two nights of no sleep and such pain I loved it and it was great. I took it and then got into a bath and just dozed in the bath, it only gave me 2 hours of relief but it was great, just what I needed to recharge and start to feel better. Oh and the midwives were fantastic as well, I met so many as I was there so long!!

So I stayed in this room and I was not allowed into the birthing pool because you have to be “in established labor “ yep the magical 5cm again, before you can go in the pool or have any other pain relief but I managed to get to the 5cm ok because I felt recharged after the pethadin and I moved to the birthing pool room. They told me my baby was lying back to back but they kept saying that it might move round so I didn’t worry to much.

The pool was lovely and the contractions were coming thick and fast and I was having loads and loads of the gas and air, it’s great stuff. They kept examining me and my baby was still back to back but they said it could still move. Because the labor was still going on and on, I loose track of time but by this time it’s past lunch time because I sent my OH away to buy lunch for himself and my sis as he was not doing much being there and my sis was the one holding my hand and helping me through the contractions and I was started to feel very angry towards him and I didn’t want to say something I might regret…. (now I wish I had said something, like “you f***ing unsupportive, selfish bastard,” maybe some of the anger I feel towards him now comes from this point – oh and the physical rejection of me throughout the pregnancy)

So labor went on, of course still painful but I was coping, the water just takes the edge of it all, nothing felt as bad as the contractions I had when I arrived in hospital. I did ask for more pethadin though because I was so tried and needed a break (looking back I wish I didn’t now as I think I was doing ok but oh well..). Well the midwife said I was 10cm but my waters had not broken so she broke them and back in the pool I went.

Nothing happened, as in, I didn’t feel the need to push so the doctor was sent for after 2 hours and he examined me and said ….

I was not 10cm but only 7!!!!

I felt so annoyed and scared, they should not have broken my waters as I now started to worry that my baby would not be ok without water around it. They said I needed to go on a drip to speed up my labor and I needed to leave the birthing pool room.

I knew then that all was gong wrong, I was taken away from the idealized labor and put in a room, on an epidural (taken after medical advice because the drug they were giving me would wipe me out apparently – though my friend has since said that she thinks she had the same drug and she managed without an epidural), I was strapped to machines to monitor everything and out in a horrible room with loads of people around me.

I did cry as it was just not what I had wanted I felt that all the control and everything had been taken away form em, I felt like I had failed because I could not join the ranks of the other women who had gritted their teeth and given birth no problems. my sis was great and kept holding my hand and making me feel better, I don’t remember what my OH did, I just remember him sitting on one of the chairs….

Well the doctors kept coming back and checking up on me and then the inevitable happened..

They said my baby was becoming distressed and that they needed to get baby out “sooner rather than later.” They made me sign something to say that I agreed to it all and they listen the risks (I think I may have cried again) they they topped me up with drugs. I was so so frightened, more frightened then I can ever remember being, my whole body was shaking and I couldn’t make it stop. I was scared for so many reasons,. I was worried that they might cut the baby as this was one of the risks they had mentioned when they asked me to sign the form and I was worried that it might hurt me, I know they were giving me a drug but I was still worried that it wouldn’t work and I would actually feel them cutting me open. I was worried that after the operation I might not be able to feel my legs again as one women had told me prior to labor that her friend had had an epidural and that she had not regained feeling for 3 weeks…

I was just so so scared and my idealized labor dream was ruined and I felt like such a failure for not being able to deliver my baby the way nature intended, that not only had I needed drugs but that that had failed as well and they were going to have to take the baby out for me.

Well the operation went well and my gorgeous baby girl was born at 7:37pm and she is fit and healthy, my sister was in there with me and my OH stayed in the recovery room. I am so grateful to them for her and the fact that she is ok and I know that that is all that matters but I still feel like I failed.

I did get to 9cm and I was so close and it just seems so unfair that I was in labor for so long and I all the pain and none of the joy and satisfaction at the end to say that I did that, I brought her into the world. It seems so pathetic to be admitting this and I could never tell my OH because he would not understand,. All I get told is to pull; myself together so I don’t like admitting to any signs of weakness in front of him.

But I could still cry about it, I keep thinking back, what if I’d have not taken the pethadin, what if I’d had not gone in the bath, what is I had crawled around more on all ours (this is meant to move the baby into the correct place) would it have been different, could I have changed it?

I do feel low about it all and I do feel judged that I did fail, maybe I should lie and say, “Well I just coughed and there she was!”

I am lucky I know that, she is so wonderful and I am so grateful for her.